anxiety

i’ve been working on my website a bit more. updated the color palette, i’m sort of happy with it now. removed some clunky sentences. added a page to highlight my tutorials. next i’m going to keep working on the hyperzine, create a page on my website to highlight my art, try to work more on my art. i’m currently listening to a mix created for me by some algorithm over at tidal. trying to finish the coming insurrection. i honestly got a little bit bored around the fifth circle. wanted to just skip to the conclusion but i thought it’d be best to give it a chance and finish it in its entirety.

i need to find a way to deal with my anxiety better. i swear last night i was perfectly fine until around 8pm. i immediately decided that it was time for me to sleep, despite the fact i wasn’t tired. i took an olanzapine to force myself to sleep. there is this eerie anxiety that i’ve developed very recently, feeling as though i must conform to capitalist temporalization, keep a routine, sleep at 8pm nightly, wake at 7am. 11 hours of sleep nightly. i know it’s not for the best but i haven’t found a way to say calm and just wait until i’m naturally tired like i used to do. it’s possible the social pressures of living with my mother, seeing a psychiatrist, being required to follow a strict schedule by doctors to be considered stable. i’m still struggling so much with this concept of stability. i’m excited to turn to simondon to learn more about metastability.

i’m not really sure what this blog is for. i’m not sure what to write here. i’m not sure why anyone would read this. i’ve considered using this to present commentaries on texts i read, to post updates on projects, to keep someone informed on my daily life, but i’m just not sure who reads this, or who would read this. my follower count steadily grows, last month growing by 70 followers, 28 so far this month. i’m still stuck wondering why. at the same time it feels so slow. others can grow to 500 followers in a month, some 5k, some 50k. this whole game is so mundane, so absurd, so harmful. i feel like i shouldn’t even participate in these games. i should just focus on my work and pray it gets disseminated. but then again, i don’t know who would disseminate my work.

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