Juliana Huxtable interview (excerpt)

Taegen Meyer: Why do white men resent black women?

Juliana Huxtable: There’s so many entry points to that… I think that black women challenge white men’s sense of entitlement to a world that’s organized according to their desire taxonomies. Black women also symbolize the white man’s- if you could codify white male guilt, I think black women would probably be the most literal embodiment of that, like that in walking form. I think that it’s indicated in the way, like one of the things that I’ve always found really interesting is the way that sexuality generally between white people and black people as the sort of the two polarized opposites in America, obviously I understand that there are other gradations and brown people but when it comes down to specifically that dynamic, which is kind of part of the foundational construction of like, at least American identity, arguably western identity at large, but any kind of sexual dynamic between white men and black women automatically implies rape. Not that it has to, or not that I think that’s what it actually is, but historically that’s what that symbolizes. Growing up particularly in the south where I got to see those sort of power dynamics play out in a way that even in New York I don’t think people understand that it still is quite that literal. Even like black men are resented and black men are also policed, but they, the relationship between black men and white men is fundamentally so different to the relation between black women and white men because I think black women just represent- it’s almost like your mere presence makes white men hyper aware of themselves. They’re aware of themselves, and they’re aware of their own impulses, and their own desires, and they’re aware of their gross sort of like, the potential for a gross mischaracterization and theyre bumbling and they don’t know what to say, you know? So i think you are the kind of corporeal embodiment of all the things about themselves that they don’t really want to acknowledge. So in an economy, in a kind of like intense racial taxonomy, you’re pitted against each other sort of inherently. W

hich I think that’s part to do with it, and I think it’s also, this thing happens with, because I think blackness is linked with aggression in a lot of contexts and it’s linked with masculinity and so I think that, and I think that those systems, I think it becomes really clear- I don’t know I imagine, I’m not a white man so I don’t know but I imagine, there’s like a kind of friction between your inability- it’s like you’re looking at a woman who is so, black women are beautiful. I think that black women are like gorgeous and I think that it’s a really intense experience to insist on treating black women as these either de-sexualized or hyper-sexualized but in a kind of demeaning hyper-masculine way. I feel like it must be really like- ‘cause I feel that way, I feel that way so often with white men, it’s like, I enter a room full of white dudes and it’s like, you feel that energy where it’s like they don’t know what to do and it’s like sometimes, you know, I want to just be like, “maybe you should do a shot or something” I don’t know. Just my presence is making you so aware of yourself and you’re freaking out and you don’t know what to say, you know?

TM: Yeah

JH: I don’t know, I think that has something to do with it.

TM: It definitely does, I mean obviously we’re not gonna solve white resentment here on this skype call, but just something I wanted to ask-

JH: I think that there’s a refusal to- whatever the opposite of benefit of the doubt is is what black women are given. I’ve noticed that it’s like anything you say as a black woman that speaks from your experience is immediately presumed to be redundant, late, over reaching, performative, you know, going for your low-hanging fruit just so that you could hang it over someone’s head. It’s like that kind of dynamic is really really really ripe and so, I don’t know why actually, sometimes in those situations it’s like, I wish that I had an answer and I’m sure there’s some like Frantz Fanon passage or like

(both laughing)

JH: You know, I hope Angela Davis gone off it at some point but sometimes it’s actually just this really like radically indescribable experience and I’m just like, “I. Don’t. Know.” Specifically traveling, I feel this way all the time traveling. Like being in Italy, oh my god, Italy is the worst place. That’s why I love this tweet where someone posted like vacation shots of like, different areas in Italy and was like, “isn’t it beautiful?” and then like a black woman retweet it and wrote, “Yeah, Italy is really beautiful and everything until you get off the plane and they call you a nigger.”

(both laughing)

JH: Which is so true, it’s actually so true, but like that experience, it’s actually to the point where I’m like, I don’t know, it’s almost like I’d rather deny a kind of like framework for explaining it. Sometimes I’m like, I don’t even, I don’t want to give them the ability to pathologize this cause to pathologize this is because to pathologize this also to a certain degree relinquishes the potential for people to just be absolutely mindlessly cruel, you know? It almost requires more hope in humanity for me to try and understand why someone would do that but I feel that way traveling a lot, where I’m like I literally don’t know but I feel like, “that’s a nigger” right now.

(both laughing)

JH: I feel like I’m being made to feel like such a nigger right now and this is so intense and it’s just like I don’t know, I don’t know. That’s one of those things, specifically resentment, and seeing it, and experiencing it, and feeling it, and the multiple ways in which resentment can express itself, cause you think, “oh resentment.” but it’s like, there’s so many subgenres of resentment and it’s like, I don’t know. I actually don’t know, and I feel that way so often. I was talking about that earlier today because in Argentina, I’ve been experiencing a lot of one shots, me and my friend who is also black but not a black woman, but black. Yeah. So actually really, we were talking about that earlier.

TM: And then, of course, like with the last things you said, there are a million things I want to say but I have to stay on track here and ask: what does free black movement look like?

JH: Free black movement, can I expand it? Can I also be like, feels like, sounds like?

TM: Go ahead?

JH: Okay. Sonny Sharrock, Black Woman. That’s a song by Sonny Sharrock to me that is a moment in a singular iteration of free black movement. Free black movement to me as as dance, free black movement for me, the club and the dancefloor. It doesn’t even need to be the club, it can also be the church like praise dancing, but spaces in which all of the kind of hyper-awareness of the one-to-one relationship between like blackness and corperal reality and just like totally being like in and of the flesh, to release that and dance, and dance as a space of just like complete and total liquidity is like, ah. Free black movement to me looks like that, it looks like dance. It’s like fourteen year olds doing dance videos on tik-tok.

You know one of my favourite passages in any book I’ve ever read is from Wretched Of The Earth where Frantz Fanon is talking about the dance circle, and the dance circle as something that’s permissive and protects, and the dance circle as a way to re-enact, and as a form of violence. So thinking of violence as a sort of part of power structure and the language and something that’s inherent to the condition of the racialized condition of colonialism but specifically, dance as a way of utilizing and deploying pre-eruptive violence and the dance circle specifically is a space in which I think black free movement is enacted and played and it’s always, for me especially, and I would say even growing up, even knowing that my specific ginger performance wasn’t always considered to be in-line with the dogmatic version of blackness that we were adhering to in a lot of different ways, dance circles were always a space in which that dissolved.

Even people where it’s just like, did not fuck with me, in that moment, somehow, I was always black enough, and we were always there in this space and it was totally free and liquid and the only kind of limit to that was blackness. I think it was a space in which all the other sort of facets dissolve and it became a space in which blackness was the sort of defining factor but because everything else dissolves, it was a completely and totally free space and so it was blackness untethered from the sort of like, taxonomies that otherwise might splinter what that could or could not be and so I think for me, like dance and music are generally two spaces in which I am thinking of black freedom, black free movement, but especially the dance circle, especially, especially, especially, especially the dance circle. Which takes so many forms, it takes so many forms, there’s so many subgenres of dance but, yeah.

TM: Thinking about your work then, because a large part of your work, at least as I see it, is sort of producing this space for dance to be possible. Even thinking to some of the performances of yours I’ve seen, though from a distance, you’re able to really cultivate that free black movement that you’re describing here and I would assume that this is a conscious act. I’m interested to know in what ways it’s an active production.

JH: Specifically, when I DJ?

TM: Yes.

JH: I’ve always said, for me there’s a lot of DJs I know and a lot of DJs that I like dancing to their sets. I know that they can’t really dance but to me I don’t want to fuck someone that I wouldn’t want to dance with. Whatever, that’s really crude to say that but whatever. To me there’s a direct relationship between my DJing and my dancing, I love to dance, dance is a very primary means of expression to me. So, it is intentional but it’s also kind of intuitive, and I think that’s one of the things I like about specifically the club as a space and the club as a space that’s really been pioneered by black people. Black people are responsible for clubbing. Yes, Europe kind of took it and then shaped it and did its own thing and I love it’s techno function, whatever, whatever, whatever it’s not to deny there have been contributions to the idea of clubbing added on but clubbing is something black people started with organs and black cultural production. Specifically as illicit spaces of corporeal freedom and corporeal disillusion and dance as also a negation of responsibility to the idea of a body, just to disappear into your flesh. All these things are part of clubbing and its history and so it is intentional for me in a lot of ways but it’s also kind of intuitive. I’m not at all saying I’m a free jazz musician, I would never hype myself up that much but the sort of relationship between structure and form and I really appreciate the technique of DJing and I like practice to enhance and understand like, mixing, and all the different elements of it, but the relationship between kind of understanding the sort of foundational technical elements and Improvization, and Improvization is so important to me. The idea for me is to access a kind of sublime, the height is just absolute spendlor, and to really take yourself and move yourself through difficult spaces. I would say free jazz as a kind of model of technique and Improvization and intuition is what inspires me for how I relate to the sort of act of DJing as a making space for.

Of the Refrain Transcript

I don’t know when I’ll have a chance to rerecord this video. Here’s the transcript of what I wanted to say.

Published in 1980, A Thousand Plateaus was the second volume of the collaboration between philosopher Gilles Deleuze and militant anti-psychiatrist Pierre-Felix Guattari titled Capitalism and Schizophrenia. The ramifications of this text are still being dealt with throughout a multitude of lines of research, its influence reaching everything from linguistics to physical chemistry. In this video I will be discussing the eleventh plateau titled “1837: Of the Refrain”.

We enter into this plateau with a discussion of the three aspects or movements of the refrain which it makes or mixes. There is a movement from chaos to the beginnings of order, a movement which maintains an interior space for order, keeping chaos outside, and a movement which opens the interior space to cosmic forces. Paul Klee presents these three movements in relation to the black hole, or what he calls a gray point. The gray point begins its journey within the forces of chaos, then jumping over itself constituting the terrestrial internal forces of the home, then launching out from itself impelled by centrifugal forces of the cosmos.

Just as a bird sings to mark its territory, the refrain is a territorial assemblage, always carrying the earth with it throughout all its functions. Thus we may also understand the refrain in these terms: Sometimes there is a movement from chaos to the threshold of a territorial assemblage, what we will come to understand as directional components or infra-assemblages; sometimes there is a movement of the organization of terrritorial assemblages, otherwise referred to as dimensional components or intra-assemblages; sometimes there is a movement away from territorial assemblages for other assemblages or for somewhere else entirely, henceforth referred to as interassemblages or components of passage or escape; and sometimes all three movements occur at once.

Continuing, Deleuze and Guattari acknowledge that Milieus and Rhythms are born from chaos. Milieus, they say are vibratory, in other words, a block of space time constituted by the periodic repetition of the component. There are many milieus of the living thing, namely an exterior milieu of materials, an interior milieu of composing elements and composed substances, and intermediary milieu of membranes and limits, and an annexed milieu of energy sources and actions-perceptions. Every milieu is coded, understanding code as being periodic repetition; however they say of each code that “is in a perpetual state of transcoding or transduction”.

Transcoding or transduction is the process whereby one milieu serves as the basis for another, it is the communication of milieus. They say of milieus that they are “open to chaos, which threatens them with exhaustion or intrusion.” Rhythm should be understood as the milieus’ answer to chaos. Both chaos and rhythm are in between two milieus. Chaos is thus not the opposite of rhythm but the milieu of all milieus. There is rhythm in every communication between milieus. Being chaotic, rhythm is not meter. Meter assumes a quantifiable code in a noncommunicating milieu, whereas rhythm is always undergoing transcoding. They say “meter is dogmatic, but rhythm is critical […] It does not operate in a homogeneous space-time, but by heterogeneous blocks. It changes direction.”

To change milieus is constitutive of rhythm. Milieus exist by virtue of a periodic repetition whose only effect is to produce difference. The difference is the locus of rhythm, repetition being the locus of its production. It follows that productive repetition has nothing to do with reproductive meter. They highlight a particular case of transcoding, when a code only takes or receives fragments of another code. In transcoding, it is not simply a case of simple addition, but the constitution of a new plane, as of a surplus value.

We come to a point where we must account for the relationship between a Territory and a milieu. Deleuze and Guattari say “the territory is the product of a territorialization of milieus and rhythms.” There is a territory when milieu components become dimensional, opposed to directional, as such becoming expressive. The definitive characteristics of the territory is the emergence of matters of expression, or qualities. The expressivity of the territory arrives when it acquires a temporal constancy and a spacial range that make a territory, a mark, a signature. The territory is secondary in relation to the qualitative mark. The territory is a product of territorialization, understanding territorialization as an act of rhythm that becomes expressive, or of milieu components that become qualitative.

Is this becoming expressive of rhythm or melody art? If so, the territory is a result of art. The artist is the first person to make a mark. They say “the expressive is primary in relation to the possessive.” That is to say expressive qualities delineate a territory that belong to the subject that produces them. The quality is a signature, but the signature is the constituted mark of a subject. Like Duchamp’s fountain, the territorial mark is a readymade. However, in this respect art is not the privilege of humans. They cite Messiaen in saying many birds are artists in singing their territorial songs.

The refrain is the result of the territorialization of rhythm and melody via a becoming-expressive, and they become expressive because they are territorializing. This is not to go in circles. Instead, they are affirming the self-movement of expressive qualities. We should not reduce expressiveness to the effects of an impulse triggering an action in a milieu, otherwise referred to as subjective impressions. Instead expressive qualities should be understood as being auto-objective, that is to say they find objectivity in the territory they draw.

Expressive qualities enter into relations with one another which express the relation of the territory they draw to both an interior milieu of impulses and an exterior milieu of circumstances. There is an auto-expression of the quality. On the one hand, expressive qualities constitute territorial motifs in their entertainment of internal relations with one another. On the other hand, expressive qualities produce territorial counterpoints, that is to say they produce points in the territory that place the circumstances of the external milieu in counterpoint. These territorial motifs and counterpoints explore potentialities of the interior or exterior milieu. In the vocabulary of ethologists this is discussed through the concept of ritualization, however this does not account for the variability or fixity of nonpulsed motifs and nonlocalized counterpoints.

Instead, they argue that territorial motifs form rhythmic faces or characters and territorial counterpoints form melodic landscapes. There is a rhythmic character when rhythm is no longer associated with a particular character, subject or impulse and instead is the character in itself. The same general formula applies to melodic landscapes, which are found when the melody is no longer associated with a particular landscape and becomes a landscape in counterpoint to a virtual landscape. What then distinguishes a musician bird from a nonmusician bird is that the musician bird articulates rhythm and harmonizes melody, as opposed to a simple reproduction of a style. The same then is true for human music.

Debussy’s criticism of Wagner, that of comparing his leitmotifs to signposts, is true on some level. However in Wagner the motifs increasingly enter into conjunction, becoming autonomous to the point of auto-expression. Proust is cited as one of the first individuals to underscore this aspect of the Wagnerian motif. They say “the appearance of the motif itself constitutes a rhythmic character in” and here they are quoting Proust “the plenitude of a music that is indeed filled with so many strains, each of which is being.”

Returning to the territory, they say that it “is first of all the critical distance between two things of the same species.” This critical distance is a relation based on expressive qualities. It is a matter of keeping a distance from the forces of chaos. This distance is not a meter, but a rhythm. There are two aspects of the territory that we must keep in mind. Firstly, it ensures and regulates the coexistence of members of the same species by producing a distance, keeping them apart. Secondly, it makes possible the coexistence of a maximum number of different species in the same milieu.

The question arises of whether or not humans have made art in the first place. We are reminded that territories have two notable effects: a reorganization of functions and a regrouping of forces. When functional activities are territorialized they change pace. This is attested to by the theme of specialization or professionalism. The territorial refrain passes into professional refrains often as the professions assume that various activities are performed in the same milieu, with no other agents in the same territory. Professional refrains mark a territory in such a way that the same activities cannot be performed as a result of the rules of critical distance for competition.

We should also consider the other effects of territorialization. The territory unifies forces of different milieus constituted by the forces of the earth. Although in extension the territory separates the interior forces of the earth from the exterior forces of chaos, this does not occur in intension. Ultimately, territorializing marks develop into motifs and counterpoints, and reorganize functions and regroup forces. We will continue return to this moment. What is essential to the becoming-expressive of rhythm is the disjunction between code and territory. Each milieu has a code, and there is a perpetual transcoding between milieus, however the territory forms at the level of decoding. With territoriality comes the establishment of an intraspecific critical distance between members of the same species. It is through the disjunction of territoriality that it becomes an indirect means of differentiation. From this it follows that decoding is the negative of the territory.

What has been discussed up to this point is the movement from forces of chaos to forces of the earth, from milieu to territory, from transcoding to decoding, a passage from infra-assemblages to intra-assemblages. In this same way we cannot speak about intra-assemblages without discussing the passage of the refrain. As Deleuze and Guattari note, the refrain is “any aggregate of matters of expression that draws a territory and develops into territorial motifs and landscapes.” Let us not get too far ahead of ourselves though. Before we can discuss the refrain any further, we must approach a deeper understanding of the intra-assemblage and what it is sometimes plugged into.

What is included in the intra-assemblage is not just the territorial assemblage but also assembled, territorialized functions. The question is begged, what holds territorializing marks, territorial motifs, and territorialized functions together in the same intra-assemblage. Here we arrive at the question of consistency, that is the holding together of heterogeneous elements. Again let us not get too far ahead of ourselves. The intra-assemblage passes into the interassemblage through forces of deterritorialization, that is to say that the territorial assemblage passes into other assemblages. However none of these passages are necessary, but take place on a case-by-case basis. The ambiguity between territory and deterritorialization is what they call the ambiguity of the Natal, understanding the Natal as being outside.

There are a vast number of movements of deterritorialization which take off from the territory that Deleuze and Guattari list. Independent of the causes of the numerous movements, each movement is different in its essence and cannot be reduced to the interassemblage, or the passage from territorial assemblages to assemblages of another type. Instead, we should speak of a movement away from all assemblages which opens up onto the deterritorialized Cosmos. Generally, the territory is traversed by relative deterritorializations wherein there is a passage from the intra-assemblage to interassemblages. However, this is not the case for absolute deterritorializations, which we will discuss further in due time. What is important to note about the distinction between relative and absolute deterritorializations is that a relative deterritorialization is necessarily followed by a reterritorialization, the same is not true for absolute deterritorializations.

Here, they present a classification system for refrains. Firstly, there are territorial refrains that seek, mark and assemble a territory. Secondly, there are territorialized function refrains that assume a special function in the assemblage. Thirdly, there are territorial refrains which pass into new assemblages by means of a relative deterritorialization. Fourthly and finally, there are Cosmic refrains which maintain the ability to move by absolute deterritorializations.

To return to the problem of consistency, we must understand that it is not just a question of the manner in which components of a territorial assemblage hold together, but also the manner in which different assemblages hold together. The easiest answer that Deleuze and Guattari can identify to the question “What holds things together” is provoked by a linear, hierarchized, centralized arborescent model. This is a model which is constructed of oversimplified binaries. In search of a rhizomatic model for consistency, we must keep in mind that as opposed to a functional center which brings into play only localization, we should understand a system as being a coordination between centers, a passage between one heterogeneous center to another.

We may turn to Eugène Dupréel for an elucidation of this type of model in his theory of consolidation. He proposes that life does not go from a center to an exteriority but from a discrete aggregate to its consolidation. There are three implications of which that interest us. First, there is no beginning from which a linear sequence can derive, but intercalary events like densifications, intensifications, reinforcements, injections, and showerings. Second, and this is not in contradiction with the first implication, there must be a distribution of inequalities such that sometimes it is necessary to make a hole in order to consolidate. Third, there is no imposition of meter or cadence, but a superposition of disparate rhythms. Consolidation does not come after, but is creative itself. Just like consolidation, consistency produces consolidated aggregates by means of intercalated elements, intervals, and articulations of superposition. Consolidation is simply the terrestrial name for consistency.

Let us deal with a concrete example, that of the song of the chaffinch. Normally this song has three phases. First, there is a succession of four to fourteen notes which crescendo in volume but decrease in frequency. Then there are two to eight notes of a constant frequency lower than the first. The song ends with a complex flourish. From the standpoint of acquisition, this song is preceded by a subsong, the distinction between the two Deleuze and Guattari describe as follows: “the subsong as mark or placard, the full song as style or motif, and the aptitude to pass from one to the other.”

What concerns them at this point in the plateau is what happens when the components of the subsong develop into motifs and counterpoints of the full song. They say “the organization of marks into motifs and counterpoints necessarily entails a taking on of consistency.” This occurs in such a way that they describe as a color answering to a sound. There is a synthesis of heterogeneities, a machinic opera. Inasmuch as these heterogeneities are matters of expression, their synthesis forms machinic enunciation.

They continue “from the standpoint of consistency, matters of expression must be considered not only in relation to their aptitude to form motifs and counterpoints but also in relation to the inhibitors and releasers that act on them.” It is the mistake of ethologists to restrict matters of expression to a binary distribution of these factors. Instead, what needs to be done is to approach matters of expression in terms of assemblage. It is not melodic and rhythmic themes which are constituted as a result of performance and recording, but the opposite. The consistency of a refrain takes primacy. The notion of behaviour does not provide an adequate understanding of the natal, which stretches from the intra-assemblage to the Cosmos.

We have already encountered the argument that the territorial assemblage is inseparable from lines of deterritorialization in the direction of other assemblages, however we have not considered the effects of deterritorialization on a given species at a given moment. Whenever a territorial assemblage undergoes a movement of deterritorialization, they argue that a machine is released. To propose a distinction between machine and assemblage, a machine inserts itself into the assemblage which is undergoing deterritorialization and produces a variation of it. It is only when an assemblage has been freed by deterritorialzation that we find a machine. Machinic statements are machine effects that enter matters of expression. As a rule, they say, “a machine plugs into the territorial assemblage of a species and opens it to other assemblages, causes it to pass through the interassemblages of that species.” However, the machine can also produce an opening onto the Cosmos or an effect of closure into a black hole. This closure occurs when an all too sudden deterritorialization occurs while cosmic paths are blocked. What is important to remember is that machines are always keys that open or close an assemblage.

It follows that the consistency of matters of expression relates to both their ability to form melodic and rhythmic themes and the power of the natal. There is another aspect. As matters of expression take on consistency they constitute semiotic systems in which the semiotic components are inseparable from material components. The distinction between molar and molecular is between two group movements, one towards equilibrium and homogeneity and one in the opposite direction. The intermolecular forces that give rise to a molar aggregate can either be one of linkage or discernment and discrimination. This distinction is the same as the distinction between stratified systems and self-consistent aggregates. Life fits into this distinction as it implies a surplus value of destratification.

Almost being contradictory it is both a complex system of stratification and an aggregate of consistency. As Deleuze and Guattari say “the living thing performs a transcoding of milieus that can be considered both to consitute a stratum and to effect reverse causalities and transversals of destratification.” The territorial assemblage implies both a decoding and its own deterritorialization. What holds everything together is the transversal, or the component which takes up the vector of deterritorialization. Assemblages being produced by both the semiotic and the material it only makes sense to relatively distinguish between the consistency of assemblages and the stratification of milieus. What should not suprise us is that the distinction we have been seeking is not one between assemblages and something else but the two poles of the assemblage, that of the system of strata and the plane of consistency.

We have made a lot of movements, first from milieus to territories, then from territorial assemblages to interassemblages, and simultaneously from forces of the earth to the deterritorializing Cosmos. Here, they present two questions that guide the majority of what follows in this plateau. How did Paul Klee present this movement towards the Cosmos, and why has this word been selected. They point to Klee first in claiming that the first act of the artist is to observe their surroundings and grasp the naturing nature in natured nature. From there the artist directs their attention to the molecular. The artist comes to believe that there are other worlds they have not been told of. Finally, the artist opens up onto the Cosmos. What it lacks is the people to carry with them.

What follows is a fairly long discussion on the distinction between Classicism and Romanticism that if you are interested in I highly recommend you read this section of the plateau. What I will summarize from this section is that in Classicism we find an essential relation of matters-forms. In the modern age, which must be cosmic, this relation is replaced with a direct relation of material-forces, understanding matter as molecularized matter and forces as forces of the Cosmos. Turning back to Klee, they speak of a rendering visible as opposed to a reproduction of the visible. What we find in music is precisely a rendering duration sonorous.

We have finally arrived at the Mechanosphere, the plane of cosmicization of forces. This is Sun Ra’s plane of duality comprehension. Sun Ra’s primary instrument being that of the Moog synthesizer was not a pure coincidence. This instrument was selected for its ability to molecularize sound matter and harness cosmic energy. It is the assemblage of the machine of cosistency, namely the sound machine. The synthasizer takes the place of the ground in a priori synthetic judgement for Cosmic philosophy. Through the synthasizer, Cosmic philosophy gains a motive attribute, the ability to make thought travel, just like Sun Ra envisioned.

The cosmic artisan is the modern figure of Cosmic action. As Deleuze and Guattari say, they are a homemade atomic bomb. The invocation of the Cosmos is not a metaphor but an effective operation from the ouset of the artist’s connection of materials with forces of consistency. Material thus has three principal characteristics. It is molecularized matter, it has a relation to forces which can be harnessed, and is defined by the operations of consistency applied to it.

In identifying three ages, the classical, romantic, and modern, we are not speaking of an evolution. Everything attributed to an age was already present in the preceding age. The freeing of the molecular was already found in the classical. As such, the Cosmos has been present for all of time. They say “all history is really the history of perception, and what we make history with is the matter of a becoming, not the subject matter of a story.” Becoming is present in a different way in every assemblage.

A new classification system of refrains can be produced. Firstly, we find milieu refrains which come in two parts, one of which answers to the other. They turn to the relation of the piano and the violin played in tandem for an example. Secondly, there are natal or territorial refrains which mark the disjunction between the earth and the territory. Among the examples used by Deleuze and Guattari are the lullaby, drinking song, work song, and military song. Thirdly, folk and popular refrains which are tied to a song of hte people, bringing into play affects and nations. Examples are the Polish, the German, the Pathetic, Vengeful, and Panicked. Finally, there is a Cosmos refrain found in the sea and the wind. It is a molecularized refrain tied to cosmic forces.

They establish a distinction between visual and sound arts by comparing the powers of deterritorialization held by each. The claim is made that colour clings to territory and tends to dissolution when it deterritorializes. Sound however, they say, “invades us, impels us, drags us, transpierces us. It takes leave of the earth, as much in order to drop us into a black hole as to open us up to a cosmos.” Continuing they say “Colors do not move a people. Flags can do nothing without trumpets. Lasers are modulated on sound. The refrain is sonorous par excellence.” It is here that we find the double-edged sword of the refrain, it’s capabilities to just as easily open up onto the Cosmos as to declare a fascism of music.

A refrain is also a crystal of space-time. It acts upon its surroundings, extracting from them vibrations, decompositions, projections, and transformations. With this action the refrain has a catalytic function. That is to say it increases the speed of exchanges and reactions in its surroundings, assuring indirect interactions between elements devoid of a so-called natural affinity, thereby forming organized masses. As such the refrain fabricates time. As they say, “Time is not an a priori form; rather, the refrain is the a priori form of time, which in each case fabricates different times.”

As this plateau concludes they discover two primary refrains which the musician requires in their movements. The first type of refrain is the territorial or assemblage refrain which is necessary to deterritorialize to produce a second type of refrain which they identify as being the end of music. This second type of refrian is the cosmic refrain of a sound machine. The goal then of the musician should be to deterritorialize the refrain above all else. They conclude saying “Produce a deterritorialized refrain as the final end of music, release it in the Cosmos – that is more important than building a new system.” Continuing, they say “the cosmic force was already present in the material, the great refrain in the little refrains, the great maneuver in the little maneuver. Except we can never be sure we will be strong enough, for we have no systen, only lines and movements.”

consent not to be a singular expression of myself

  1. “To produce Blackness is to produce a social link of subjection and a body of extraction, that is, a body entirely exposed to the will of the master, a body from which great effort is made to extract maximum profit. An exploitable object, the Black Man is also the name of a wound, the symbol of a person at the mercy of the whip and suffering in a field of struggle that opposes socioracially segmented groups and factions” (Mbembe, Critique of Black Reason, p. 18).
  2. The production of whiteness in America began with the exclusion of Black inhabitants of the colonies from privileges and rights granted to white colonists. Juridically, the black individual has been established to be a non-person. The constitution of race allowed for Non-European Individuals to have their ontological status demoted. The forced mobility of the Black Individual has been a primary factor in the production of Black Subjectivity since the emergence of the triangular trade. Aided by genomics and advances in technology, the production of racial subjects has re-emerged nearly everywhere. In the context of a rise in white nationalism, large swaths of communities are subjected to ‘racial categorization’ that transform immigrants into ‘an essential category of difference’ (Ibid, 23).
  3. “On one level, then, Black reason consists of a collection of voices, pronouncements, discourses, forms of knowledge, commentary, and non sense, whose object is things or people of African origin. [Black Reason] provide[s] the justifications for the arithmetic of racial domination” (Ibid, 27). Black Reason extends into the molecular, finding itself in every nook and cranny of Western Subjectivity. Race is not simply an aesthetic category, it is a byproduct of ressentiment. We must distinguish between a ‘call to race‘, the goal of which is “to imagine and create a different space, where isolation would guarantee protection”, and ‘racial assignation‘, “a more or less coded way of dividing and organizing a multiplicity, of fixing and distributing it according to a hierarchy, of allocating it to more or less impermeable spaces according to a logic of enclosure” (Ibid, 34 – 35). The ‘processes of racialization’ aims to force movement as precisely as possible “in a way that diminishes threats and secures general safety” (Ibid, 35).
  4. “As phenomena, racism and the phobia of others share a great deal” (Ibid, 36). Racism will not be ended by the dissolution of the capitalist mode of production alone. “The noun “Black” is […] the name given to the product of a process that transforms [African Individuals] into living ore from which metal is extracted”, where it was utilized in the ‘New World’ and converted into financial currency in Europe. This was a “structuring dimension of early capitalism” (Ibid, 40). Fanon correctly assessed that the Black Individual was an invention of Whites, “a fantasy produced by European imagination” (Ibid, 43). “The process of racialization was to establish clear distinctions between laborers of European origin and Africans” (Ibid, 44). “[The following] [t]hree historical determinants […] explain the power of the fantasy of Whiteness. In most settler colonies, Whiteness was transformed “into a dogma and a habitus”. “[T]he fantasy of Whiteness involves a constellation of objects of desire and public signs of privilege”. “The fantasy of Whiteness draws part of its self-assurance from structural violence and the ways in which it contributes on a planetary scale to the profoundly unequal redistribution of the resources on life and the privileges of citizenship”, which benefits from technological developments, political organization, and ‘cruelty without measure’. (Ibid, 45)

This text is an excerpt of a forthcoming publication “Networked Ressentiment”.

Review: When I Get Home – 9.4/10

On her fourth album, Solange skillfully invokes the cosmic jazz of Sun Ra to create a work whose central function is to produce a constant repetition of affirmative difference. As Ra says:

“The enclosed vibration limitation / Repeats itself over and over .. it is a cycle .. an eternity never changing / The outerspirals move brilliantly with word-precision, yet varying / Ever outward and ever onward on.“

Sun Ra, The Immesurable Equation, p. 145.

To some this may seem to be a work of cryptic expression, muddled by a lack of semiotization. However it is this lack that is necessary for the constitution of an a-subjective work of jazz. Amongst their other uses, samples are employed to remind the Black Woman that she is powerful beyond measure, to demand a freedom of movement and articulation, to declare intention in all of our actions, and to anticipate the liberation of the Black Individual from their present struggles.

As the album opens, Solange tests the precision-tuning of the listener, simoutaneously embracing a-temporality in her approach, abolishing meter through a repetition of the primary refrain over a fluidly changing rythmn and tone. “Alameda“ affirms the cosmic darkness of black self-ownership and autopoesis, presenting a knight of black faith. The film released in simultaneity with the album continues the refrain of black positivity, making use of an all black cast, many scenes filmed in the dark of the night. Overall this album is a force that may be utilized to open the ears of many towards the plane of duality comprehension.

This text is an excerpt of a forthcoming publication “Networked Ressentiment”.

important information

last saturday i went to downtown la. started my day by going to the a+d museum, they have an exhibition on disgusting food. i got to try some of it at their tasting bar. passed on the shark meat but did try some bugs, durian, vegemite, and the cheese of a baby goat. the rest of the museum was alright, overall a bit too liberal for my tastes. what can you expect from the arts district of la though.

from there i walked to the broad. stopped for food after seeing the line wrapped around the width of the building. when i came back the line had shrunk greatly. only had to wait 15 or so minutes. after getting my ticket i decided i wanted to go see a film screening at the redcat. sharon lockhart’s pine flat. 2 long hours. 12 takes each 10 minutes long. each take focusing on the actions of children. moving solemnly from a child wandering in a snowy forest trying to find his friend to two couples making out. after the film i asked her whether she was directly attempting to challenge/critique particular modes of temporalization. she said yes but didn’t give any particulars, only using the phrase ‘adult time’.

i sent a very hard email for me write today. it is the first time i’ve told my family about my recent rape. it feels good to finally have it off my chest but i still worry what their response will be. i’ll likely be leaving myself downstairs in the basement for the night. i hope i don’t get too anxious feeling isolated, but only time will tell. the following is the text of my email:

important information 

what i am about to say will likely be shocking but i feel it necessary to say. it is hard for me to talk about so i will be very brief.

last spring, while living in kansas city, i was raped, the resulting trauma being not only psychological but physiological. the physical trauma that i endured may require surgery to repair. i do not want to talk further about this and will not answer any questions about this event. just know that i have a consultation with a surgeon on the 1st of february at the fontana kaiser. i will let you know what results from that consultation. i ask your assistance with transportation and the copay.

as a i recover both physically and psychologically from my past traumas, i ask a few things. 1) please, continue to try referring to me as taegen and using she/her pronouns. using preferred names to refer to trans people has been shown to drastically lower rates of severe depression and suicidal ideation. (you can read about that here: https://news.utexas.edu/2018/03/30/name-use-matters-for-transgender-youths-mental-health/). 2) I would like to schedule a consultation with Karen Atkinson, and artist and educator, to get feedback on my personal website and get advice for marketing my art. She may also be a good resource in the near future to help me as I apply for grants to support my art and projects. (https://www.gyst-ink.com/private-art-consultation/). 3) Your continued financial support is appreciated. I have only briefly had treatment for my recent traumas and i am going to need a lot more time and treatment before i am fully able to work, or even fulfill past commissions. 4) Part of my recovery is making sure I don't stay isolated socially and physically. I need to continue to explore museums and meet with friends. I'd like to start visiting LA at least twice a month. It's important for me to develop a social network here again. 5) Overall I just want to make sure I can keep my time occupied with things I enjoy (books, coffee, art and art museums) and continue to pursue treatment. I see my art as being something that can support me, as it did for quite a few months. My primary goal in recovering is to make my art practice sustainable again and will appreciate your emotional support and encouragement through this process. Looking forward, I have a meeting with Andrew Culp tomorrow at 4pm in Pasadena. I will be taking the metrolink into LA tomorrow morning and riding the LA metro to pasadena after lunch with a good friend from Willamette. I have been building my personal webpage and already begun advertising my tutoring services again. You can visit my website here: http://txgenmeyer.com/tutorial.html.

My current focus is to finish building my webpage, continue my readings, continue building my social network, continue building my projects, and find a suitable therapist. -- taegen

i’ve decided to try a challenge. i want to blog about a section of anti-oedipus every day. I’ve found that there are 31 subsections so i want to do a 30 day challenge through the whole text. i’ll likely read it a second time this year to write a longer text about it for the hyperzine. my ideas about the hyperzine are crystallizing. andrew culp and i are meeting for coffee tomorrow. i hope he won’t mind me talking about the hyperzine with him and working through some of the roadblocks i’ve come to.

next week i’ll be skyping with juliana huxtable for an interview. i’ll likely post an excerpt of it here so please be on the look out for that. i just finished the coming insurrection. likely will post today or tomorrow about the text. currently not listening to anything.

identity

currently listening to I can feel you creep into my life by tune-yards. as a kid i didn’t want to be black. i wanted to live in a picturesque liberal utopia without race. i dreamt i’d go to an ivy league, study physics, be a STEM advocate, work for UNESCO, run for a senate seat in a liberal east coast state, and become the president, all while sporting a pacifist analytic philosophy worldview (particularly inspired by bertrand russell and stephen hawking). i listened to tune-yards and lake street dive. my nickname in middle school was whitewash. then i discovered ‘pure jazz’.

i had been playing trumpet some 4 years before i truly discovered jazz. initially, i wanted to play clarinet because i heard the sounds of benny goodman at a young age playing in the back yard of a family friend’s home. in third grade, i came home with the permission slit to rent an instrument so i could start practicing with my schoolmates only to be told by my stepfather that the clarinet was a feminine instrument and that i would only be allowed to play a masculine instrument (particularly trumpet or saxophone). i didn’t quite know what the sounds of a trumpet were, but i knew that i couldn’t stand the noise of a saxaphone, so i chose the former. come the time i started at my third middle school, my band instructor asked me if i wanted to play jazz. he challenged me to go on youtube and listen to some jazz trumpeters for inspiration. i’ll never forget my first time listening to freddie hubbard’s red clay. just as guattari describes being transported to another Universe by a single note of debussy, i experienced a whole new domain. my musical index soon grew tenfold, with my particular interests in jazz centering around a select few musicians: mingus, hubbard, ellington, armstrong, gillespie, and dolphy.

it was around this time i had also discovered the works of marx and started to accept the reality of class relations and the centralization of the means of production into the hands of the bourgeoisie. i was still young, only in 8th grade, so many of the more complex concepts went right over my head, but i knew that my true views aligned best with some form of socialism. after reading plenty of marx late in my ninth grade year (and finding particular intrest in his contribution to the critique of political economy) i discovered two theorists that forever changed my life: zizek and butler. butler’s gender trouble was the first text to challenge, and change, my conception of gender, especially of my own gender.

i had always known that i had an attraction to males, and being assigned male at birth i assumed that meant i was gay (for i still was quite unaware of bisexuality), but i never quite felt comfortable with such a label, particularly because it meant i was a man. i always struggled with the social and familial pressures of masculinity, always knowing that i never aligned with all that i associated with men, only interpreted my turn towards femininity as more verification that i was in fact gay. however, reading buter, particularly her bodies that matter, gave me a newfound vocabulary and index of what identity was, what the body was, what my body was, and led me down a rabbit hole that hasn’t quite ended. it was through butler that i discovered deleuze. through her portion of the film examined life.

it was through the sublime object of ideology that i first encountered lacan. through mapping ideology, a text edited by zizek, i first encountered althusser. finally, i thought, i’ve found a movement i feel as though i’m aligned with. structural marxism is the name of my new game. i was referred by a former english teacher of mine to an instructor at my former highschool (i had transfered to online school after my first hospitalization). dr. ryan derosa is his name. i came to him asking about althusser and marx, and he was the first person i ever spoke to, and who first encouraged me to read deleuze.

it was only through mingus’ original faubus fables and kanye west’s new slaves that i honestly first encountered my own blackness, and through xenia rubinos and empress of that i encountered forms of being latina i could relate to. until then i had been fairly sheltered by my liberal dream, which was only crushed by my growing marxism. maybe i’ll expand on this later.

anxiety

i’ve been working on my website a bit more. updated the color palette, i’m sort of happy with it now. removed some clunky sentences. added a page to highlight my tutorials. next i’m going to keep working on the hyperzine, create a page on my website to highlight my art, try to work more on my art. i’m currently listening to a mix created for me by some algorithm over at tidal. trying to finish the coming insurrection. i honestly got a little bit bored around the fifth circle. wanted to just skip to the conclusion but i thought it’d be best to give it a chance and finish it in its entirety.

i need to find a way to deal with my anxiety better. i swear last night i was perfectly fine until around 8pm. i immediately decided that it was time for me to sleep, despite the fact i wasn’t tired. i took an olanzapine to force myself to sleep. there is this eerie anxiety that i’ve developed very recently, feeling as though i must conform to capitalist temporalization, keep a routine, sleep at 8pm nightly, wake at 7am. 11 hours of sleep nightly. i know it’s not for the best but i haven’t found a way to say calm and just wait until i’m naturally tired like i used to do. it’s possible the social pressures of living with my mother, seeing a psychiatrist, being required to follow a strict schedule by doctors to be considered stable. i’m still struggling so much with this concept of stability. i’m excited to turn to simondon to learn more about metastability.

i’m not really sure what this blog is for. i’m not sure what to write here. i’m not sure why anyone would read this. i’ve considered using this to present commentaries on texts i read, to post updates on projects, to keep someone informed on my daily life, but i’m just not sure who reads this, or who would read this. my follower count steadily grows, last month growing by 70 followers, 28 so far this month. i’m still stuck wondering why. at the same time it feels so slow. others can grow to 500 followers in a month, some 5k, some 50k. this whole game is so mundane, so absurd, so harmful. i feel like i shouldn’t even participate in these games. i should just focus on my work and pray it gets disseminated. but then again, i don’t know who would disseminate my work.

jazz/hip hop duality

currently listening to Room 25 by Noname. another great album that epitomizes the jazz/hip hop duality of hypergalactic music. i realize i’ve never quite frankly written about what exactly hypergalactic music is. there are a few characteristics of hypergalactic music that i’d like to talk about over time. we can begin with this charateristic of what is called “duality comprehension”. we can say of hypergalactic music that it exists on the plane of duality comprehension.

let us remember that sun ra made a movement from the interplanetary jazz of space music to intergalactic jazz. that is to say, from executed bridge words communicating between space and earth to a sound of the “outside realm of the future turning points of the impossible”. this movement can be best understood as a transversing from the plane of capital to the plane of composition, first by a deterritorialization of planetary refrains on the face of the earth, reterritorializing onto the void of the cosmos. i believe that ra made a second movement from the void of the cosmos onto the plane of duality comprehension. i find it hard to believe that the realm of the alter-destiny resides in the void of the cosmos, instead it should be argued that the outer unending darkness of the Universe is the material onto which destiny deterritorializes itself and reterritorializes as the alter-destiny, changing the material of the outer darkness into a propulsion towards new unheard refrains of atemporal galaxies.

to speak of a hypergalactic jazz, as opposed to the intergalactic jazz of sun ra, is that the index of hypergalactic jazz is composed solely of executed bridge words through “determination of the duality meaning”. for ra, “Jazz is based upon the spontaneous improvisation principle. Pure jazz is that which is without preconceived notion, or it is just being, and that’s really my definition of jazz.” what distinguishes intergalacticity and hypergalacticity is that intergalacticity functions by pure jazz alone whereas hypergalacticity employs this jazz/hip hop duality.

hip hop can only be understood as a deterritorializing force. sampling, interpolation, scat, ad libs, these are the tools through which the hip hop musician selects materials to deterritorialize sound onto. selection is only a tool to the hip hop musician, as selection necessitates a prior refrain (a preconcieved notion). ra underestimates the power of the prior refrain, writing it off while simultaneously employing it without notice. ra is not a pure jazz musician, if he were his productive capacity would never have reached the impossible. instead, ra, like Noname, is a hypergalactic jazz musician, selecting and recomposing prior refrains, while constantly producing difference with them. here would be a good place to mention the eternal return of Nietzsche, or the difference and repetition of deleuze. here i have come to understand hip hop as repeptition and pure jazz as difference. inseperable as they are, many musicians have attempted to bifurcate them and produce solely on the basis of one or the other. ra’s attempt failed, but for the better.

today was boring

half an acre of land and 3500 square feet of home and there’s nowhere comfortable to sit. the interior design of this home epitomizes everything wrong with the middle class lifestyle. i find it hard to believe the residents of this home actually do anything but watch tv, fuck, eat crappy canned food and take out, and sleep. such a miserable existence. i need to find somewhere i can live comfortably. i loved boise. miss my friends. too bad i can’t return any time soon. i’m trapped in socal until i can at least convince my doctors to put me on hormones, and even then i’ll have to stay within the range of kaiser if i want to stay on any of my meds. had to pay 1250$ when i was in boise to get a months worth of latuda, only cost 20$ when i get it through kaiser. still need to file all the paperwork with kaiser to get a reimbursement, i hope its not too late.

my anxiety overwhelmed me once more last night and i made myself sleep by 8, woke up and tried to sleep more three times. my dreams have been getting a bit weird, probably because i don’t have any weed to smoke and that sort of shit happens when you take a break (not that a tolerance break hurts). my mom said she’ll pick up some edibles for me the next time she goes to the dispensary. there’s one close to her job that she quite likes that has a lot of fun edibles.

i’ve got through about 25 pages of schizoanalytic cartographies. the F(Phi)TU schema is still hurting my head but i might text a few people and ask them to help clarify some things for me. i couldn’t concentrate while i was at starbucks today. the music was horrible as it always is and i couldn’t find anything mellow enough to listen to while i read. i walked to starbucks because my bank account is getting lower than i’m comfortable with and it costs 7.36$ to get an uber one way. i really shouldn’t have. it hurt my foot too much. took 45 minutes to get there. while at starbucks one of the baristas (assuming i was gone from the store) talked with another barista about me. she seemed to have thought i didn’t pick up my muffin and noted it 30 minutes after i bought it. i was sitting right infront of her eating my muffin so i don’t know what she was on about, wanted to say something but thought it’d be better to just be quiet. told my uber driver my day was uneventful. didn’t lie but that’s not quite truthful either. things happened, they just weren’t interesting. i need to start unfollowing people i really don’t care to see the tweets of, i just don’t want to be rude.

they called to confirm my appointment with my psychiatrist. i really dont want to go as he was horribly judgemental during my first session, but i don’t have much of a choice right now. everything in my life is currently centered around me getting ‘treatment’, whatever that means. i just want to return to a productive state, i don’t quite care about stability. i’m not quite sure i know what stability is, or that it really exists. they tell me “we need you to be stable before you can start hormones” but when i asked what stability is they said “you need to not have any psychotic hallucinations and have a place to live and a source of income and take your medications and be cooperative with your treatment”. sounds a lot like they just want me to be a good little capitalist girl and stop worrying so much about being self-productive, they just need me to be a passive producer-consumer. it makes me sick how much my experiences align with guattari’s analyses.

i was reminded of this great discussion recently. the moderator is horrible but i love butler and davis in this conversation. they bring up some very crucial points. butler’s been a central thinker in my personal theoretical development, she’s also 90% of the reason i got into deleuze (the other 10% being althusser). that’s all i got for now.

random thoughts

i can’t remember the day for the life of me. have to remind myself every few hours that today is thursday, not tuesday. can’t forget i have an appointment with my psychiatrist on monday.

i’ve been listening to some rap songs [earl sweatshirt’s new album] to pass the time. for some reason, once it gets to “the mint”, i just sort of tune out the album until “playing possum”. this album epitomizes the jazz/hip-hop duality of pure hypergalactic music. pitchfork gave it an 8.8. i’d give it a 9.2, not that anyone asked.

my laptop keys are sticky. i still dont know what to make of ye. yeezus was the first album of his i was really aware of. i knew he did work for jay z but i was too young to think of him as a celebrity. i first heard black skinhead at a school assembly oddly enough, and i loved it. “new slaves” honestly was one of the biggest catalysts early on for me becoming an anarchist “”. i was something of a bourgeois socialist before that (or at least one in the making). even today, hearing the first few seconds of “on sight” gets me hyped to tear shit down. “bound 2” leaves me yearning for a liberated future where our biggest worries are what Jerome might think and where we can love unconditionally (sometimes i wonder what would happen if we were all just friends). but he’s changed. does that mean i should stop stanning him? maybe, but i don’t know. maybe i should stop dreaming of rocking yeezy outfits, and maybe i shouldn’t use kkw body. but i can’t help but wish the best for ye and his family. i can’t help but want to see him succeed. he’s got me sporting adidas shoes and writing about vanessa beecroft and virgil alboh, but now i listen to JPEGMAFIA and pinkcaravan! and pray I never go “blonde like Kanye”.

“i just want to feel liberated”, spray paint on concrete, 2018

sometimes i just get on twitter and worry about what the fuck i got myself into. between vitalist international and r/acc, there’s no happy endings. i wanna see my follower count grow but i wonder what the point is. i think i just want to be heard but i’m afraid i have nothing worth being heard. all i’ve got are a few expansions of obscure concepts like sun ra’s intergalactic music (which i call hypergalactic music) and nick land’s inhibited synthesis (what i prefer to call neo-colonialism). the real question is why would anyone care to hear my specific take on sun ra or nick land when there are already 50 others out there. i’m just not sure exactly what value i add to the equation. though, i’m sure there’s got to be some value i add, else i likely wouldn’t be speculating on these things. but still. what the fuck did i get myself into.

i had to delay an interview with juliana huxtable because i ended up in the hospital. i need to reschedule but first i need to rewrite some of the questions since it was very “2018 in review”. i really feel like shit for having to postpone it but i understand a skype interview can be easily scheduled. its just still very daunting for me. i’m blessed that she’s willing to be interviewed by me, lord knows why, but i just still feel so anxious doing anything “professional”. i find it hard to believe anything worth reading/consuming/sharing can be produced by my body. i wanted to start a podcast called “the dance of anxiety” (a phrase i stole from the anti-oedipus papers) to highlight that this anxiety is something most producers deal with, but i never actually performed the dance, so the podcast never got made. maybe that’ll change. i have this fantasy that i could start a podcast still.

i bought a hundred year old first year latin book with the hopes that i could use it to start learn latin, but i barely have the motivation to do the first chapter of exercises. i just want to get back to a place where i can sit down for more than 20 minutes are read something calmly. [trigger warning: sexual assault, r*pe] i’ve been on edge since may (since i was r*ped). honestly kanye-produced albums dropping every week was the only way i made it through that month, i at least had something short term to hold onto and to give me something to look forward to. since then i’ve relied on adderall and acid to give me the concentration to make it through a book. i worry i won’t ever be the same. everything changes when you go through extreme trauma. its not like i don’t have experience with CSA. years of abuse i went through. but somehow then i was able to learn and grow through all of that. maybe just because i thought that what i was going through was normal and not something to think about or consider as unusual. now its all i can think about some days. i can’t even escape it in my dreams. i’m woken up by nightmares at 3am regularly. suffer through sleep paralysis, trying my best to scream for help without being able to open my mouth or move, forgetting i dealt with this just three days prior. i’m getting really tired of going through this shit and therapists not recognizing the way my trauma has impacted my life. fuck CBT. i really wish i could see a psychoanalyst, stop fucking around with these useless “cognitive behavioural therapists”. every time i try to criticize their modality i have to argue with the therapist or psychiatrist half an hour about why CBT isn’t prepared to deal with me. but kaiser doctors just aren’t willing to listen to me. they treat me like just another crazy patient that doesn’t know what’s best for them.

i really want a blueberry muffin. i give glitter by 070 shake a 7.0. the album is calming and the first two tracks bump, but i’ve read 070 shake at one point googled “drake type beats” and as a project it sounds like a generic hip-pop daze. as far as eps go, its not my favourite.

my greatest work will forever be my facebook profile picture.