today was boring

half an acre of land and 3500 square feet of home and there’s nowhere comfortable to sit. the interior design of this home epitomizes everything wrong with the middle class lifestyle. i find it hard to believe the residents of this home actually do anything but watch tv, fuck, eat crappy canned food and take out, and sleep. such a miserable existence. i need to find somewhere i can live comfortably. i loved boise. miss my friends. too bad i can’t return any time soon. i’m trapped in socal until i can at least convince my doctors to put me on hormones, and even then i’ll have to stay within the range of kaiser if i want to stay on any of my meds. had to pay 1250$ when i was in boise to get a months worth of latuda, only cost 20$ when i get it through kaiser. still need to file all the paperwork with kaiser to get a reimbursement, i hope its not too late.

my anxiety overwhelmed me once more last night and i made myself sleep by 8, woke up and tried to sleep more three times. my dreams have been getting a bit weird, probably because i don’t have any weed to smoke and that sort of shit happens when you take a break (not that a tolerance break hurts). my mom said she’ll pick up some edibles for me the next time she goes to the dispensary. there’s one close to her job that she quite likes that has a lot of fun edibles.

i’ve got through about 25 pages of schizoanalytic cartographies. the F(Phi)TU schema is still hurting my head but i might text a few people and ask them to help clarify some things for me. i couldn’t concentrate while i was at starbucks today. the music was horrible as it always is and i couldn’t find anything mellow enough to listen to while i read. i walked to starbucks because my bank account is getting lower than i’m comfortable with and it costs 7.36$ to get an uber one way. i really shouldn’t have. it hurt my foot too much. took 45 minutes to get there. while at starbucks one of the baristas (assuming i was gone from the store) talked with another barista about me. she seemed to have thought i didn’t pick up my muffin and noted it 30 minutes after i bought it. i was sitting right infront of her eating my muffin so i don’t know what she was on about, wanted to say something but thought it’d be better to just be quiet. told my uber driver my day was uneventful. didn’t lie but that’s not quite truthful either. things happened, they just weren’t interesting. i need to start unfollowing people i really don’t care to see the tweets of, i just don’t want to be rude.

they called to confirm my appointment with my psychiatrist. i really dont want to go as he was horribly judgemental during my first session, but i don’t have much of a choice right now. everything in my life is currently centered around me getting ‘treatment’, whatever that means. i just want to return to a productive state, i don’t quite care about stability. i’m not quite sure i know what stability is, or that it really exists. they tell me “we need you to be stable before you can start hormones” but when i asked what stability is they said “you need to not have any psychotic hallucinations and have a place to live and a source of income and take your medications and be cooperative with your treatment”. sounds a lot like they just want me to be a good little capitalist girl and stop worrying so much about being self-productive, they just need me to be a passive producer-consumer. it makes me sick how much my experiences align with guattari’s analyses.

i was reminded of this great discussion recently. the moderator is horrible but i love butler and davis in this conversation. they bring up some very crucial points. butler’s been a central thinker in my personal theoretical development, she’s also 90% of the reason i got into deleuze (the other 10% being althusser). that’s all i got for now.

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